My newfound issues.

The time has come for the mashpia to be reborn. I thought I was all right. That I had my head on strait and knew which direction I was heading. But I probably don’t. I am confused all over again. I am upset all over again. I am lost all over again. I need someone to point me in a direction. I know which direction I would like to go. I have no idea how to get there. So I think it is time I stop being so egotistic and selfish. Thinking that I know everything about myself and I don’t need to turn to someone smarter for advice and knowledge. But alas, (can I use that word? I always wanted to use that word…) the same question comes to light like so many times before. Who out there can relate to me? Who out there knows “me” well enough to actually give me advice that I can relate to and trust? I don't know who, or if anyone out there can give me what I most defiantly need. But as I sit on the train going home from a concert and all my friends are taking talking with girls I know this is not where I want to be. Do I want to be in 770 learning a sicha right now? As much as I know I should, I cant. It's just not me. There was a time in my life when it could have been, but not now. Defiantly, not now. So where do I want to be? Who do I want to be? I want to be myself. Bull. What does that even mean. I need someone to sit me down look me in the eye and give me some serious advice that I can really walk away with and use to better myself and refine my ideals. The problem with me is not that I’m bad. The problem is that I am not bad. I don't want to be bad. Do I need to me bad? It sure feels like it. There is really no place for me here. Here, being in this state of good Jewish ideals and Frum but missing that extra Chassidish aspect. I do have friends, but not that share my beliefs and understandings, so I don’t have friends to strengthen myself with. And again, who out there can give me advice that is “me”, if nobody out there is “me”... I don't know. I think what it boils down to is that I can't seem to stand by and watch as things that I want slip through my fingers because I am trying to be good. I mean, where is the reward in that? For example, don’t go out with girls now because you want your wife to be the “one’. Yes. That’s true. But I don’t understand the logic. What should I do? I am turning 20 next month. I have been out of yeshiva for 2 years. Work. What should I be doing now? Learning Torah so I can keep my mind off of things like girls? It does not really work like that. Or does it. Well obviously it does for thousands of Jewish teens but not for me. Or does it. And I am not ready for marriage. I’m a kid. So where should I be? What should I be doing? How can I keep myself focused on my goals when there is such an extreme amount of beautiful taivah in New York!? Damit!

My friends have been telling me lately that I am very negative. Always seeing the bad in things. Is it just me, or is there a lot of bad in things nowadays? Please tell me it’s not just me. I feel exile closing in around me like a rope and feel the rays of redemption shine on my back ever so lightly. Does this mean I am in a bad place, or is this the world we are living in…? I know. The drama. Well you know what! Its 7am and I still can’t sleep… so there. Peace out world. Oh and if anyone knows of a good Mashpia… email me.

Maybe i'm wrong but...

Nobody is going to like this but I feel like I want to talk about it. This election is the first one that I can vote. Am I voting? Not sure yet. I think that I have fallen into something that I generally try to stay away from. Every good Lubavitcher I have bumped into over the last few months and spoke politics is a fervent McCain supporter and believes the Obama is the beginning of apocalypse. I believed that to, even though there was this “yuppie” in me saying that McCain is an ugly old fart and a repeat of the last eight years while Obama is a young, creative guy who gets me. Why do I hear that voice telling me that? Probably because it’s true. McCain is not Bush. McCain’s morals and ideals are Bush. That’s why I’m a republican. Obama does hold of a lot of the same morals as a good republican but obviously not all. Not enough. But is that really a reason for me to pick McCain over Obama? Because one is more or less strict with guns? How is that going to affect my day-to-day life? But then there are issues like Abortion in which Obama does support, which is horrible and immoral, is that a reason why not to vote for him? Yes. Because if I vote for him then some 16 year old unaffiliated Jewish girl in north Carolina will be able to have a legal abortion because Obama supports it and if I vote for him then I am adding to that. When McCain was asked when a baby has rights he answered on a dime “at the moment of conception”. So Yes, I support McCain when it comes to that and when it comes to a few other things. Will he be better for Israel? I don’t know. We all believed that Bush was like the savior for Israel… He now believes in a split state and made his road map to crap. Is McCain pro Israel? Yes. Officially. Is Obama pro Israel? Yes. Officially. What will happen in two, three years from now? I have no idea. Maybe McCain will decide that Palestinians deserve the Kotel. Maybe Obama will decide that Israel should move to Alaska. Either way they both “support” Israel, and they both believe that there can peace there. So should I vote for McCain when it comes to Israel because he is a good white Christian who went to Israel like 50 times in his life? Or should I vote for Obama who is a good black Christian who didn’t visit Israel that many times because he didn’t lose anything there… And yes, I know there are his ties to this and that idiot and that he made a toast to a very anti Israel, pro Palestinian activist. But McCain has ties to plenty of rich stupid Christians who believe in loads of crap and have such twisted morals that they are right up there with the pro Palestine dude. I am not defending Obama or cursing out McCain. I just want to bring some discussion to this election for Lubavitchers. We are so set on McCain only because we are afraid of Obama. Oh and lets get this out of the way: I don’t think that Obama is a sleeper cell terrorist who as soon as he gets into office is gonna raise the swastika over the white house and nuke Israel. I think Obama is a nice, smart family man that honestly I would much rather listen to him talk for the next eight years then McCain. The fact is this. McCain is going to be a repeat of the last eight years. I enjoyed all the Bush humor and “don’t give a crap” attitude as much as the next guy but the reality is that the economy is in the crapper, we are at a long, expensive, drawn out war and the situation in Israel is no better due to Bush. My Dad was laid off 4 years ago. We are trying to make ends meet each week and pay the bills. I seriously believe that Obama can fix all that. Call me crazy but I believe that the guy has such a force about him that he can make change. Even before he is president the amount of people that flock behind him is inspiring. And they are not a bunch of California hippies. They are the typical family you will find in your local Chabad house. Who are the big backers behind McCain? Fervent Christians. Crazy rednecks. Chabadnicks… I have not heard McCain say anything that ever made me go “wow, I want to vote for this guy!” All is have ever said was “damn this guys is an old stupid politician.” When I watched the 30 minute primetime that Obama put on TV last night I was thinking that I wanted to vote for him so badly. The guy has got it. He has the ideas, the motivation, the modern thinking, and the preacher voice. I don’t believe and hold with a lot of his values or ideas as I said before but in my opinion Obama is the man America needs now. Not the world, not the Jewish people, but America. I believe he can reface our country and remind us why it’s so awesome to be an American.  I think McCain will be a good leader. Will protect us well from terrorism. Will keep us happy with his morals and beliefs, but I do not think that McCain can fix this country. And yes, we need fixing. Anyway that’s my opinion. So am I voting for Obama? Hell no. Will I be upset if he gets into office? Umm no. I want our economy to grow again. I want the Jewish and non-Jewish troops in Iraq to come home already. I want change and I think Obama is offering us just that. Maybe its because I’m a graphic designer and all those awesome posters have played their tricks on me or that his website won the award as the best designed site of the year… Whatever it may be I will be a happy American if McCain is president or if Obama is president. Because I am an American and I love my country so whomever my president may be, I am still happy to be a citizen of their country. So Lubavitchers and other closed minded folk, Obama has a lot of baggage with him and a few things to be scared about… (Like the Hussein name thing… I thought it was so funny how we are so hung up on that. I mean the former prime minister of Israel’s name was Barack… should we be all weirded out that he shared the same name as a dude with the name Hussein? It was stupid…) But Generally I think Obama has a lot to offer this country and if we just ignore that because he is black or because he Muslim ties is naïve and immature. Again no I don’t think we should vote for him because he believes in things that as a religious Jew I cannot support but if others vote him in… I wont complain. Point is we need our real leader to reveal Himself and take us out of this confusing and disturbing world we find ourselves in. Peace.

Time for Change. In your face obama.

In a little under 2 weeks I will be leaving the comfort of my home and move my life to Crown Heights Brooklyn. I am still not sure if this was the best idea I have had. I am nervous for change but excited for it at the same time. I have my issues with Crown Heights but I am hoping that I can see past them and enjoy the place for what it really is. New York City! I am no city boy. Raised in Skokie Illinois, it’s a suburb of Chicago, I can count the times I have been downtown with my fingers and a few toes. Crown Heights is far from Skokie. How will I survive without going down the block to starbucks and then crashing with a logo book for a few hours at barnes and noble?  I don’t even remember why now but I know that around 4 months ago the decision was made that I needed to get out of Skokie and move to NY.  I have been looking for a place since then. All those who may find themselves in a similar situation don’t give up looking because you did not fine “that perfect spot”. They are there. Just hiding. So last week a friend calls me about a place he wants to rent and wanted to know if I was with him. In 24 hours I looked at pictures, discussed a few details and paid my rent. So I’m nervous. It was a fast decision. To think that in those 24 hours I made a decision that will drastically effect my entire year… I’m excited. I am scared to live amongst Crown Heightsters. Will they get me or just look at me like another shtick friyack. In Skokie I go out with jeans and t-shirt no problem. Yes, I am one of those who don’t care what people think, but I am also one of those who like to have respect. I mean its Crown Heights. Will it bother me that the women in Kahns is eyeballing me because I have a transformer on my t-shirt? Probably not. I don’t know. Maybe. People not from the big city, like myself, are saying, “How can you live in such a nasty place…?” Someone very smart told me the other day: “…walk down Kingston ave. and instead of seeing dirty streets and closed minds see the strength of community and the unity of a shared belief…” (Shared belief being Judaism and Chabad.) I really appreciated hearing that. Lubavitch is my life. I revolve myself around it in every way I can and now I get to be in the heart of it. I can go to 770 every day - g-d willing – and stand in the same places that the Rebbe would. That’s special. Does the community have its issues and politics? Sure, but who doesn’t? So yes. I am excited. Crown Heights here I come. 

The whole world is created for me.

I never understood this line. 

I tried to portray it through art. 

Enjoy.

Copyright 2008 Yossi Graphic Design.

www.yossigraphicdesign.com

My Holy Land.

A few weeks ago I went on a birthright trip to Israel. It was 10 days of total awe. I never thought about Israel like I do now. Ya, I read the news, said tehillim when there was an attack and learnt about why I don’t hang an Israeli flag in my room. But I never really thought about it. Like what does it mean to me that there is a home for Jewish people? Literally, a home. I am no Zionist, but there was no denying as I walked down the streets in the old city that this is my home. Sadly I never had a feeling for Israel like I do now. I just want to go back. Politics and everything aside, it’s the land that g-d gave to us. It’s the land the Rebbe farbrenged about on countless occasions. Each step you take is holy ground. As my very Zionist tour guide put it “I don’t understand you Americans. You have Eretz Yisroel right here and you all choose to live in Mitzrayim”. It’s a true statement. Yes we have a mission here in America but that’s no denying that our one and only home is Jerusalem. The fact that I still look for an apartment on craigslist in Crown Heights instead of Jerusalem is confusing. I love America and I defiantly don’t like the lifestyle of Israel. Going to the shuck Friday to get challah is just not me. I like my air-conditioned breadsmith down the block. I think that is the only reason that I am not just jumping to Israel. I like it here. Galus is nice. It’s a disturbing thought when I dwell on it so I wont.

We spent 10 days mostly on a bus traveling across the entire Israel. I got to experience a large part of Israel and met a lot of interesting people. One of the places we went was to a Kibbutz thingy way up north directly on the border with Lebanon. The area that we could see of Lebanon was run by Hezbollah. We actually could see their flag. We were given a tour by an interesting character who had lived there for about 50 years. He made aliyah from America when he was just a teenager and fought in all four of the major Israeli wars. So here I go with my negativity but there were a few guys on our group that were real chassidishers. A good thing. Anyway as this guy was talking to us about how a group of terrorist from Lebanon came into his kibbutz years ago and took kids hostage one of the guys on our group piped up and asked why Israel doesn’t just invade Lebanon and take it over. The man giving us the tour looked at him in shock. He answered how only we “Yeshiva Boys” sitting and learning in America can ask such stupid questions. He went on to explain first about how and Israeli war is very different then America invading Iraq. Its east for us to say “ya I support bush if he wants to invade Iran” Why? Because we don’t know the army. It’s a bunch of goyim. Israel on the other hand, he went on, is all Jewish blood. How fast are you willing to give up even one Jewish life? And we asked about making a massive war with Lebanon and losing hundreds if not thousands of Jewish lives. Jewish Blood! “Your brothers and sisters and you just calmly ask why we don’t sign their death warrants and send them to the front lines.” I was very embarrassed. This guy went through four wars. Lost friends and family. Saw things we should never know of. And us comfortable Americans with no shells falling on our heads judge them. I decided I wont judge Israel or their politics unless I live there and then can have a say. Who am I living here is my nice Skokie house while this man over the last 20 years has been physically attacked 20 times. Ya, it was an awakening. Life is not all black and white and foxnews. Jewish souls are Jewish souls. Secondly the guy explained to us that Israel does not even have the manpower to invade a country. “Israel is strictly a country of defense”. Listening to this guy speak I wanted to move to Israel right then and there and join the army. Israel is a wonderful place. Even as a Lubavitcher who the idea of Zionism and the state is a very big no-no, my opinion of Israel was that there was plenty of good to go along with all the bad. And what makes the American government so good anyway…. On the plane home I was thinking about where in Jerusalem I want to get an apartment next year. Now around a week later I am quickly snapping back to exile and my dreams of the holy land see to be once again, just dreams.

I know. I'm working on it.

Below is a small collection of some of the photos I took on my trip.

Gallery 1 - Gallery 2

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The wandering jew - by Menucha

A bag is planted upon his shoulders, 
torn sandals grace his blistered feet.
he walks the desert, sun scorching his wounds,
his pulse in rhythm – a pitiful beat.

His memory bleeds of peaceful times,
His mind is warped and tired,
And all the wandering starts to drown
The faith that once inspired.

It’s been too long since palace days,
His senses mucked and tampered,
The textures of that sacred home,
The scents that filled that tabern…

And now that night seems far away,
His daughters – raped, and lost and gone,
His house was trampled, and lit aflame,
He fled into the crack of dawn.

He walks the earth - the sand, the stars;
All witness to the scenes,
A tapestry of golden threads,
Was ripped out at the seams

His sons – they fought with hearts on fire,
Too zealous for their own good,
They beat their drums against the code,
And die – he knew they would.

His hands reach out to touch the sun,
his eyes too blank to wander,
through desert, and from town to town
each man he meets he squanders

The sands of time, blow by and by,
In sunshine and in sorrow,
Kingdoms come and go and come,
He still awaits tomorrow

His princes thrown into the deep,
Their ashes burned of crimson ribbon,
His clothing soaked in years of pain,
Bloodstains now drench the sacred linen.

He comes, once more, to one more village,
He begs to stay the night, the week,
He swears in the name of his Holy father,
To live again, for peace to seek…

He works his hands, and sweats his brow,
He sews their worthless lot of land,
His culture pays, his intellect shows - 
Oasis from their spot of sand

And while his mind still feels the blows
The searing of the flesh – it stings,
Visions of his burning home,
Memories of faithful kings

And martyrdom of many ways,
And zealots who established wrecks,
And those who forged the tumbling crown,
Now lay in dust – in retrospect

He doesn’t stop, he walks; he runs,
He pays his fees, more than his fare,
His hands are wrinkled, cracked and pained,
The spinning wheel turns on from here

Yet visions of the future still
too far from thimbled thumb to touch,
with nothing but a stitch in time,
self-righteousness if nothing much

And yet he works, he lives, he thrives…
For in his mind a future bright,
With history far behind him now,
Yet, tyrants not quite out of sight.

And, still he knows the time will come,
His wandering will reach it’s end,
The past will then be turned to play,
The promise just around the bend

He believes, yes he believes,
His father told him long ago –
This family’s name will bear the shame,
Of sinners purposely gone below

And with that shame, they bare the name,
Of fathers, sons, and heroines
The wandering will come to close,
The end of time will zero in…

A promise not yet lost beneath,
The curtains layering the pain,
Alive inside – a fire bright!
Redemption of his fathers fame

And so he works, he knows it still,
On the promise he’ll depend
He sweats his soul, and reaps no gain,
Not gain until the very end……

No gain that he can see or touch,
No end of exile – horizon clear,
Yet, he moves on, his body slow,
Just one more step, just one more blow…

Just one more day, one more night,
One more action, one more light,
One more memory, of just more pain,
A wandering old man – gone insane.

A chosen people – lost in vain.